Grocery shopping is the most painful chore for mothers. I used to love grocery shopping. I love food, so I would stroll in all happy and compare apples, go through all the bags of spinach to get the freshest ones, dig way in the back for the milk that expires last. It was great. I wouldn't even need a list. I let the best looking produce inspire my meals. Ahh, those were days when cooking was a hobby. With a toddler in tow, it's just nerve wracking. Hence this exercise...
What you need:
1. A grocery shopping list of 3 days of meals.
2. "Who Let the Dogs Out" playing as loudly as possible on headphones (for the annoyance factor to mimic a whining/crying/talking/complaining toddler, of course)
3. Grocery store & shopping cart.
Got that? Great. Here's what you do...
Start shopping, start how you would normally start, making sure, though, that the headphones are turned up as high as possible. I know it seems unfair, because the toddler isn't screaming into your ear, but while I'm thinking about what I'm buying, I have to still keep responding to the child. So it kind of evens it out.
Now, every aisle you go down, pick up one thing off the shelf. Then leave your cart right where it's at and run as fast as you can down the whole aisle and turn just slightly down the next one. This is because your toddler just took off running after absolutely nothing. Just took off running, bat shit crazy.
Okay, now you've got your imaginary toddler back. So go back to your cart (hope nobody stole your purse) and apologize to everyone you pass along the route back. Because all of those people almost ran over your toddler out of no fault of their own and are a bit pissed. Now, some, usually old men, may give you a dirty look, as if to say, "watch your kid you stupid bitch". Just look down and keep going. Some women laugh cause - they've been there, done that. Those women are definitely getting into heaven.
You repeat this down every aisle you go down. Twice in the produce section and the dairy section.
Then you go to check out. Same rules. However long you stand there waiting, every 60 seconds, go chase that imaginary toddler.
I think when all is said and done, you'll come home, drink some vodka, just straight vodka - neat - and just be thankful. For now. One day, just like every mother before us and every mother after us, you will do it too. And you'll be like, "WTF, why did we not give her trophies and awards and shit?"
Did you get all the things on your list? I bet you didn't. This is why mom's grocery shop SO much! They go in with a list so they only have to do this shit once this week. Then they get home and forgot like 5 things for 5 different meals. So it all starts over again tomorrow.
